This rant won't fit on the page of my journal for today because I've already written so much shit on it. Haha. God fucking dammit. I really can't shake off the feeling of having lost so many people in my life for one person who couldn't even take care of me right. Sigh. So many friendships were broken, so many memories that I should've made with people who were important to me. Years. Wasted years.

Sorry. A memory popped up in my Facebook memories today and it brought back all those awesome moments with friends by the creek at the back of my first office. Simple but happy times. Sigh. I lost all of it because of a poor decision. Damn, gurl. I thought you were wiser back then. Turns out you needed to make more stupid decisions. Haha. Fuck.

Guys, take it from me. If you're heartbroken over someone please don't go falling in love with another person for all the wrong reasons. Also, don't stay with that said person because you obviously just picked him because you were broken. Also, don't ignore the red flags. Also, don't ever let go of friends for the person you chose. Also, a person with a good heart won't allow you to shut people off, he'll encourage you to go out and see your friends. Also, don't stay because of your pride. Also, don't give unlimited chances. Also, never let that person ruin your life plans. Also, self-care is important but be wise enough to know when your partner isn't taking care of you. Also, don't be stupid. HAHA.

The wrong people will ruin you. But that's something we can't really avoid when it comes to love. But please try to learn from it and know your worth and walk away when you're being treated poorly.

End of rant. LOL.

Ang pangit pala. I can't shake the feeling of regret and guilt. I keep thinking, maybe that's the problem. I should probably stop thinking and give myself some space to breathe and recover from this realization. Haha. Grabe talaga ang nagagawa ng brain mo pag ang dami mong emotional trauma.

It's not that I haven't moved on or I can't move on from the past. It's just that I want a chance to correct it. Is looking forward to a beautiful future a form of correcting it? Or is that me just ignoring the fact that I've stepped on someone's heart? Do I even deserve to live a happy life?

Hindi pwedeng andun lang ako sa past pero hindi din pwedeng iwan ko lang siya doon knowing that I have done something terrible to someone. Can I really say that that's all in the past and it's time for me to enjoy what I have? Hmm. I am torn.

I can't apoligize now. That would be dumb, right? I mean, I ignored what I did for seven years. All I can do at the moment is wish that this person has a good life and hope that he is happy despite everything. I'm still feeling sorry and I hope he has forgiven me.

Wow, haha. I feel a little relieved with that thought. Maybe he has, it's been so long after all. Sorry for the online rants, this is a form of therapy for me especially during this time. But really, it's been a crazy ride and it's good to have an outlet like this to help you vent out and talk about things.

I guess it's okay to live your life happily right now and still consider the fact that in the past you've hurt people and although there's no way you can go back and correct every single mistake you've done, you can... at least, cherish what you had and somehow that brings you peace. I mean, that brings me peace. And relief.

If only I was wiser back then, I really would have ended things properly instead of replacing you with another person to distract me from the pain of what happened to us. But for now, I'll be ending this crazy emotional ride of regret and guilt with the thought that maybe you are living a better life now and that you've moved on from our story. Thanks for everything, man. You were also awesome during that time of my life.

Now it's time for me to accept that I did hurt you and that there's no way for me to say sorry.

Guess who decided to revert every single post to draft and start from scratch? Oh well. Another year, another phase, another urge to go back to blogging. Been through different emotions in the past three days and it's really refreshing to find a new take in life. Yeah, in just three days. YAY!

I'm supposed to be working on something right now but here I am blabbering on my dead blog. Haha. Alright! That's the Mai I know.

It's been a crazy couple of months with the pandemic and the self isolation and all. I guess it's been a great ride towards self improvement. Along with the upgrades, though, there's also this sense of regret. I know, we all have regrets, it's just that I feel like it's been amplified during this time.

I've been on a ride through the past since the weekend, I don't know why my brain led me there but I have always been like this anyway, so that's really not a surprise anymore.

Now... regrets. Let's get back to talking about that. After a lot of analyzing and, yah know... overthinking. HAHA. I realized how much I wasted my life on loving a person I shouldn't have loved from the start. I was young, I was eager to prove to people that I can have a happy ending despite all the wrong decisions and stupid (STUPID? IS THERE EVEN A SMART ONE?) mistakes that I made in the past. It was not love. It was a cover up. There was probably love somewhere but not the kind of love that's healthy. Not the kind of love you want for the rest of your life.

I realized that if I didn't force to love that one person, I wouldn't feel this damaged and scared now. I wouldn't have had the excess emotional baggage and the self doubt that I've been carrying for some years now. And the people that I love wouldn't have had to pay for the doubts that others have given me in the past. I feel sorry that they had to "tank" all the bullets I've thrown at them and I feel grateful that they did their best to actually tank it and stay in my life.

*(The things we do to ourselves when we're trying to heal, sometimes end up damaging us more and that's so dangerous. You'll end up regretting everything. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING.)

And because of that "love", comes the regret of not being able to give someone the closure he needed before things went south between us. I wish I could go back and tell him I'm sorry for the pain I made him go through. And although he hurt me too, by choosing to leave in the first place before realizing he needed me in his life, he didn't deserve the pain that I inflicted on him. I wish you could read this right now. I'm sorry for how things turned out. If I was wiser back then and didn't let my emotions over run my decisions, I would have fixed things with you or at least ended it properly. You deserved that. You still deserve it and I'm sorry it took me seven years to come to this realization. I also want to thank you for loving who I was back then and for showing me that someone can love me and fight for me and stay (if I allowed you to). But we both have to admit that it still wasn't the kind of love that I need for the rest of my life.

I wish I never wasted all those years trying to prove the wrong things to people. But it's too late to go back now and undo everything. Ah... regrets. What else can you do but regret them. Haha.

I am, however, thankful that it led me to where I should be right now. I'm grateful for everything that I have and everything that's to come. I think it's time that I gave the right person the love that I've been giving the wrong people through the years.