Guess who decided to revert every single post to draft and start from scratch? Oh well. Another year, another phase, another urge to go back to blogging. Been through different emotions in the past three days and it's really refreshing to find a new take in life. Yeah, in just three days. YAY!

I'm supposed to be working on something right now but here I am blabbering on my dead blog. Haha. Alright! That's the Mai I know.

It's been a crazy couple of months with the pandemic and the self isolation and all. I guess it's been a great ride towards self improvement. Along with the upgrades, though, there's also this sense of regret. I know, we all have regrets, it's just that I feel like it's been amplified during this time.

I've been on a ride through the past since the weekend, I don't know why my brain led me there but I have always been like this anyway, so that's really not a surprise anymore.

Now... regrets. Let's get back to talking about that. After a lot of analyzing and, yah know... overthinking. HAHA. I realized how much I wasted my life on loving a person I shouldn't have loved from the start. I was young, I was eager to prove to people that I can have a happy ending despite all the wrong decisions and stupid (STUPID? IS THERE EVEN A SMART ONE?) mistakes that I made in the past. It was not love. It was a cover up. There was probably love somewhere but not the kind of love that's healthy. Not the kind of love you want for the rest of your life.

I realized that if I didn't force to love that one person, I wouldn't feel this damaged and scared now. I wouldn't have had the excess emotional baggage and the self doubt that I've been carrying for some years now. And the people that I love wouldn't have had to pay for the doubts that others have given me in the past. I feel sorry that they had to "tank" all the bullets I've thrown at them and I feel grateful that they did their best to actually tank it and stay in my life.

*(The things we do to ourselves when we're trying to heal, sometimes end up damaging us more and that's so dangerous. You'll end up regretting everything. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING.)

And because of that "love", comes the regret of not being able to give someone the closure he needed before things went south between us. I wish I could go back and tell him I'm sorry for the pain I made him go through. And although he hurt me too, by choosing to leave in the first place before realizing he needed me in his life, he didn't deserve the pain that I inflicted on him. I wish you could read this right now. I'm sorry for how things turned out. If I was wiser back then and didn't let my emotions over run my decisions, I would have fixed things with you or at least ended it properly. You deserved that. You still deserve it and I'm sorry it took me seven years to come to this realization. I also want to thank you for loving who I was back then and for showing me that someone can love me and fight for me and stay (if I allowed you to). But we both have to admit that it still wasn't the kind of love that I need for the rest of my life.

I wish I never wasted all those years trying to prove the wrong things to people. But it's too late to go back now and undo everything. Ah... regrets. What else can you do but regret them. Haha.

I am, however, thankful that it led me to where I should be right now. I'm grateful for everything that I have and everything that's to come. I think it's time that I gave the right person the love that I've been giving the wrong people through the years.